Forgiveness.

This post is going to be my most candid ever and if you think blunt honesty is not an attractive quality then please don't read this. I am even finding myself taking a deep breath as I delve into this one.

Five years ago, I was anorexic. For about ten months starting in the middle of my sophomore year in high school until the middle of my junior year in high school, I struggled with this. I dropped nearly 35 pounds from the weight I am now. I became a completely different person and can recall very few moments and memories from those ten months. All of my mental capacity went to being "good" at anorexia. Even though I am practically swimming in my own self-confidence now at this stage in my life and ridiculously proud of the fact that I am known as a very happy person, it is still something I think about everyday, only now I don't think about it all day, everyday.

Last night for the first time ever I told my mom that after I gained the weight back in a very necessary manner, I developed stretch marks on the inner part of my right thigh. Just the one thigh, though which is kinda weird. Even though our society regards stretch marks as flaws, I look at mine as a constant reminder of what it felt like to be so disconnected from myself and to shut out the things I now could not get through my normal day without.

Up until basically this summer, I was very ashamed of what I had done to myself. After dealing with an eating disorder, a lot of forgiveness needs to be learned and instilled in oneself. I feel as though I have finally reached that point of forgiveness for myself.

Now that I am so confident and very sure of myself and recognize my plethora of capabilities and the positive presence I can have on this world, I am that much more aware of the struggles I see in women all around me. I truly believe that a skewed body image can be one of the most detrimental things in the life of a woman of any age. It is a continuous cycle that bounces off of women all day, everyday and women need to want to end the cycle not only for themselves but for every woman they ever encounter and come to know through the duration of their lives. Loving oneself will always be better than hating oneself and really, there is absolutely no point in the latter.

For some reason, my legs had always been a personal strife. My strong, dancer legs that taught me to move gracefully and learn to get exactly what I want. In the last year those legs have done a lot for me. I have hiked a 14,000 foot mountain, danced at every Augustana football and basketball game, performed in a Lady Gaga-inspired dance - who wouldn't want to do that?? - swam in lakes, introduced my little cousins to the joy of swimming at water parks, and ran my first 5K among other things, like simply standing which we should all be grateful for.

5K Runners

Lake swimming 

Just a casual rock-wall-climbing 

Hiking in the Bighorn Mountains

Swimming in the lakes in the Bighorns

Doing what I do

AC/DC sang "...knocking me out with those American thighs" NOT "...knocking me out with those toothpick thighs."

American thighs

In the past couple of months I have seen too many examples of what shockingly poor self-esteem can do to women. One of my friends regarded me as her confidence yoda. Confidence is not something you can come by easily but once you do, I guarantee the results are so much better than you could ever imagine.

I have compiled a list that may seem like a bunch of random, very Sanna-like ideas to attempt to develop self-confidence but let me tell you, they work and I like to share this list with anyone that needs a little boost... or a big boost.


Paint your toenails red
Always wear at least one accessory
Go barefoot frequently. Feel yourself grounded on the earth
Wear clothing that reflects your personality
Write the word "Lovely" on your mirror
Lay outside and breathe
Listen to John Legend
Listen to the music your friends give you. They know you.
Pamper yourself on a regular basis. Go to Walmart and buy those $2 facial and foot and hair scrubs
Make your own jewelry. Simply buying a bag of beads and stringing them one by one can be very therapeutic
Listen to your favorite music while getting ready in the morning and at night
Run, skip, jump
Be friends with your mom
Have regular solo dance parties
Realize who should be in your life and who you shouldn’t and make sure you have valid reasons for both
Smile at yourself
Accept compliments

LOVE YOURSELF!